by Bathini Dambuza

A cold winter night, all alone in my room

I think of her, I think of me

Me and her the joy and headache of reality

The heartache of what is in front of me

Pain of love, joy and sorrows

The anxiety of tomorrow

The emotional ills of feeling hollow

My heart bleeds of uncertainty

Uncertainly of my life without her

Uncertainty of her life without me

Uncertainty of our lives without each other

Uncertainty of a life of remorse

Pain and suffering will ever see her again

Do I want to see her again?

Will I feel the same way I did

Do I need to trust the feeling

Is it a true feeling that one could rely on

Will it be the same way it was before

If it is, on what grounds do I need to trust it

How assured will I be that the feeling is mutual,

Well, I remain unanswered.

Love lost in the roaring war of emotional pain

Love lost in the treachery of mistrust

Love lost in the disillusionment of freedom

Freedom to be me!
I want to be free

I want to sail in the midst of this fantasy

Me, myself and I will be free

Free to see, free to speak

Free to taste, free to feel

Free of these guilt-ridden memories

But memories anger in time

As time makes, only time takes

Like my pain, our pain

Rid me of these shackles that bind me

Bind me to an existence I don’t know

Existence of fail to understand

An existence of living from others hand

This is it…the end!!!

End of time, it’s over!!!

© 2005

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About the author

Bathini Dambuza, moments captured at Tshidi Porota’s birthday party on 2013.02.02
Photo by Zanele Muholi

Bathini Dambuza is a self-employed beautician and hairstylist.
She is an outspoken activist; artist; performer – acted with SAfroDykes.    Previously worked former as a Community Outreach officer at the Forum for the Empowerment of Women (FEW).
She also featuring in Raped For Who I Am (2006) by Lovinsa Kavuma.
In 2006 traveled with Chosen FEW to the Gay Games, Chicago, US.