by Tsepo Kgatlhane

I’m okay, but I know I will be better with love.

From what I remember, I can’t pass knowing that I have always been celebrated. I have always been best friends with the finer things in life. Both my career and social wellness have been consistent.

Starting by being considered as a best friend by many, to making open minded decisions on careers that would benefit my excellence. I can say that I am at peace with myself.

Living in a gay society where it is not in many cases that gay people could confidently say they have been in a solid, inter-dependent relationship for more than at least 5 years.

That is one statement not many could say and I doubt can still utter. I find myself fearing the possibility that I will be one of those excluded from the minority that can say that.

I too just wanted love. I remember my me-sessions where I’d have my best friend tell me about how hopelessly in love he is, how amazing the game is and that I should get my groove on. Sadly, I found myself at a space where I always knew that I’m not into the typical.

I know I’m not into the showcase side of things, I’m not into the attributes or the tangible dividends. For someone of my caliber, someone so in touch with their true self, the notion scared me. I ended up asking myself, “Tsepo, is it really about what a person has, how qualified they are, what they drive or is it about who there are?” So I thought, “get over yourself and just have fun, date!! Live!!”

Then I met my first mistake, my best friend refers to him as my first “lesson”. He was cute of cause, I unapologetically do not compromise with the facial proportion of the gentlemen. I like them handsome, and that’s just rule number 1. He was indeed, we were young, he wasn’t gay, or maybe he was. He was super smart and we all know smart people always have a subliminal way of explaining or justifying their deeds.

We were your typical picture perfect couple. It was at varsity, only a few would really know what the deal was when we were so limited to express affection in society. We were celebrated by many, or maybe mocked in silence but truly celebrated by only a few.

Sad though, how much I wanted to show him off. Have coffee with him in public. However that couldn’t happen. I had the perfect partner in a lie of my own. I knew this wouldn’t last, I knew that one day or the other he would go back to be straight to continue the Romeo and Juliet dream.

I was hurt, and as years went by, I evolved, I developed. I became my own me. My career demanded that. And now I’m ready.

I am organised for love. But not love that I don’t know, not the one everyone tells me about. I’m going to be unapologetic about it. I want him real, so real that without a cent his confidence, poise and self-assurance cuts so deep it intimidates the affluent one. I want him so smart that he completes my sentences. I want him so developed that his most decadent experience is stranger to Facebook. I want him so sweet, yes affable… oh!! I want him so friendly that a pensioner could laugh at his jokes. I want him educated of cause. Don’t we all?

It would be way to selfless of me to settle with someone who forgot what Madiba went to prison for. I want him sharp in opinion. Well-traveled and he should be so ambitious even I should feel I gotta work more on my game.

So future husband, note I say future husband, and not boyfriend, that’s for insecure old gay people, I recognise that I am growing up and I’m normal! I too want my family and fret over what to cook for supper, there for I write this to you.

Please note that I am one of a kind. Not because I say so but because I recognise my gift and I practice it. I hope when we meet you have accrued much from your efforts.

I hope that I don’t have to explain myself and you will stay enemy to the statement “Tsepo is too self-involved” all the insecure ones said that and now they gladly tell everyone that I’m their ex, just because it elevates their sad status.

Please allow me to guide you where I can because I want the same form you. Allow me to be the amazing best friend you never had. Lets have sight to see only the best in us and not confound our own little story with mediocre standards. Just let me be.

Thanks.

Truth is, I know that at times we all claim to know what we want, when the veracity is all what we don’t want. I don’t want a partner that makes me feel like I need a better one.

I am ok, but I know I’m gonna be better with love.

Previous by Tsepo

2014 June 16: Remembering Thapelo with a broken heart

and

 
2014 June 11: I am an educator

and

2014 May 17: Unforgettable IDAHO speech

and

2014 May 17: One sided fight against Homophobia and Transphobia