2013 April 2: I was warm… I’m cold and hurt

24.01.2006

To Majola:

I think you should understand what I wrote to Majola.
I didn’t really want to hurt Majola but to make ‘us’ happy and free.

Firstly, you know that lately I was never happy in this relationship. I’ve tried my level best but nothing came right and now I think I should unlock myself from these chains. My inner happiness is not good at all I’m stressing about my family and our relationship that you don’t do anything about but you always hurt me.

My eyes are full of tears while I’m typing this letter.

Majola at some point in our lives, you were so kind to me, raising my spirits in ways no one had done to me. The love I had for you can never be measured. I wish you could see how I feel about your future and mine. I wish that you could take life serious; how many times have I been asking you about your future; what have you done or changed in your life since we met.

How many times have you wronged me and asked for my forgiveness?

I’ve cried and fought for this relationship, I thought I won but I can see I’m a looser and fool after all the things I’ve done to build this relationship.

I’m not perfect too.
Think! Dink! Nahana! Cinga! Cabanga

Majola!  I told you my hopes, dreams, love and fears of this relationship years ago and now I can see all the things I feared were happening. I have threatened you a number of times but I realize that I have been wasting my time. I have been a fool. Thanks again for being a fool.

We had so much fun together; the memories we made are so great. The days and nights we spent together, laughing and crying together.

You were so soft and gentle and tried to be perfect for me.

You promised you would always try but slowly I realize I’m losing you.

Majola, with all the hardships and pains, I always stood by you.
“Bengibekezele”

You really broke my heart.

The relationship we now have is something that I think I will miss but maybe once I let go I will find eternal happiness. I’m sick and tired of talking to you about your bad habits and you don’t do anything about it. Enough is enough!

Never once did I push you away, but everything comes to an end so all that’s left to say is goodbye to our relationship. It is over.

I was really thinking I should forgive you but I can’t forget; you’ve really hurt me.

I’d rather leave while I’m in love.

I loved loving you Majola

I would love to see you happy when we meet.

Another thing is that it doesn’t mean we are enemies. We will always visit one another because I think we made one another close to our parents and families.

And I’ll always be on your side in whatever situation you face.

Don’t be ashamed to call me if you need any help and I’ll also call you if I need your help.

I do not want to forget what we had. I want us to build a friendship from that, capitalizing on the good memories that we had. I think being friends will allow us to be who we are in our different spaces.

Your secrecy & silence kills me, especially doing things behind my back. I don’t trust you and I will try to learn & trust you more as we are friends. I value your friendship and maybe that will help me to understand you better and maybe in that way I will learn to trust you.

Your kindness will always be remembered in whatever I’m doing.

Especially looking after my family e.g. my father when he was ill and in hospital, until his passing. And my mother too, because I believe you will always be a play a part in her life.

Maybe where you are going, you will find happiness.

Thanks a lot for being part of my life for the past 10 years.

I’ll always love you dear.

Bye.

____________________________

About the author

Tshidi, a reflection of the self in the mirror

Tshidi, a reflection of the self in the mirror

They call me Lesbolive or Tshidi. But my full name is Olive Legobye
. I’m born & bred in Meadowlands around Soweto area. I finished my Grade 12 and working for IT Distribution Company.
Currently I work as a Computer Technician, studied Information Technology and done Customer Service and A+ & N+ part time.

I’m a very dynamic and very sociable sort of person, friendly, shy, cool, down to earth person, easy to get along with people, challenging, likes taking risks. I’m a straight forward person,  and irritable sometimes. I’m a socially smoker, drinks alcohol occasionally, partly an outgoing person, very naughty, and well my love life is also vibrant and dynamic.

Not forgetting that I’m a proud black lesbian woman activist. I’ve been part of the SA black lesbian movement for over 10 years now.

L-R:  Ayanda Magudulela (former member of FEW's SAfrodykes and Mpumi Sibiya (former Chosen FEW player) and I'm on far right holding a FEW banner.  Photo taken by Zanele Muholi at the first Soweto Pride, Thokoza Park, Soweto.  Johannesburg.

L-R: Ayanda Magudulela (former member of FEW’s SAfrodykes and Mpumi Sibiya (former Chosen FEW player) and
I’m on far right holding a FEW banner.
Photo taken by Zanele Muholi on 17th September 2005 at the first Soweto Pride, Thokoza Park, Soweto.
Johannesburg.

I’m a very determined person, whose more focused on the future always hoping for good things to happen.
I’m a Computer Technician, studied.
Between 2003 – 2006 volunteered for the Forum for the Empowerment of Women (FEW) as a community outreach person.

This entry was posted in 1st Soweto Pride, Activism, Allies, Before You, Complicated Lesbian Relationships, Diary, Difficult Love, Expression, Forum for the Empowerment of Women (FEW), Friendships, Hurt, Inner feelings, Life Stories, Townships, Visual history and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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