by Olive Legobye

I have always felt alone and different. My first experience with telling someone in my circle of friends about having lesbian thoughts was to be convinced to attend some gay-lesbians meetings or workshops. I’m too spiritual and too appropriate to be a lesbian.

There would be no convincing me that it was okay to be a lesbian in God’s eyes, sure I could be a lesbian (meant I would be a sinner for life, being homosexual is the ultimate and unforgivable sin). I lived with those thoughts and feelings for years, while secretly going to some events, visiting website & chat rooms. By doing that I felt like I at least fit in a little bit, and I was fulfilling my “sinful” part of being a lesbian.

I never thought I would find a group of woman who are Christians and lesbian, but I found them I finally found somewhere that I fit in. I found peace at HUMCC the were GOD fearing women & men, who prayed, cried, encouraged and sang with each other. It was my little heaven on earth, finally found contentment. The church where I grew up in is so lawful and homophobic. You’ll never hear the adults, priests, congregation & etc.

talking about gay life. If you ask anyone about Gays & Lesbians thing, you’ll be ashamed the way they’ll answer you they even criticize that life.

And it’s too embarrassing to talk about gay life with church members.

Life as a Christian lesbian is not a bouquet of roses. I’m not living in constant fear that God will strike me down. Life is not so different and lonely anymore, because I have found a place where I belong.

My mother love and committed to Christ and to church, both in public and behind the private walls of our own home.

In my life I don’t ever thought of being married. I wanted children only.

Over the years I dated two (2) men and while I loved the idea of being in love as a teenager I was never attracted to the men themselves or in love with them which seems a somewhat significant component for making a life-long commitment. I was raised on God’s word I had never studied homosexuality within the biblical texts. I knew there would be a loss of valued friendship from within that same community. I was fully aware of the impact it would behave on my family and our relationships.

I don’t know precisely why I’m gay. I had incredibly stable models of heterosexuality all my life. My parents have been married for more than 40 years and they were affectionate and loving with each other in my presence. My father passed away in 2005. All my grandparents had a wonderful/ beautiful relationship, I grew up in a church surrounded by heterosexual role models and was raised as a heterosexual in that it was just assumed that’s what I was.

I never knew a homosexual and my only exposure to homosexuality was occasionally hearing the word from the pulpit followed by the word sin, abomination, perversion and Sodom. None of those facts seem like real stellar incentives for someone choosing to become a homosexual and yet here I am gay. Contrary to what some might insist I never chose to be a lesbian the only choice I made was to deny or to accept my sexual orientation that was already in place long before I was even aware of what it was.

I know I’m gay, has nothing to do with my environment, traumatic childhood abuse or neglect, a testing of my faith, punishment from God, the deception of Satan, lustful passions, or a personal choice on my part.

My hair is black, my eyes are brown, I prefer chocolate over vanilla and my sexual orientation is gay. Did God make me gay?  As Creator God, yes, I believe God created me with same-sex affection. I believe my sexuality comes as no surprise to God since God knew my days before I was even fashioned in my mother’s womb. I know there are some who say being gay is a gift from God and I agree with them. What I first viewed as a curse has been one of the greatest gifts of my life because its led me on a journey that’s drawn me closer to God than anything else I have yet to experience in my life.

Again, I don’t know why I’m a lesbian but God does and I know it’s for a purpose. So I live my life as a Christian Lesbian. I am a Christian because I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and as Savior, He’s the bridge that brings me back into relationship with my Creator. My deepest desire is to live each day by saying and doing those things that would bring honor and praise to Christ and that would witness God’s love to others.

That was my desire the day before I realized I was a lesbian and it remains the same to this day. I am a lesbian because I believe this is part of God’s plan for my life and I will accept it with gratitude and celebration.

In addition to what I believe the Word of God says (and more importantly, doesn’t say) regarding homosexuality and the on-going revelation of God in my life, there’s something else that has witnessed to me there’s no sin in my sexual orientation.
If homosexuality is sin, and sin is what separates us from God then why does my relationship with Christ continue to deepen and grow?
Why am I now even more in love, more dependent, and more committed to my God?

If all gay and lesbian Christians are being deceived and their lives are a “vile and detestable abomination of God” then how is it possible that I have experienced time and again Christ’s love when I have gathered with them? Why is the Holy Spirit present in and through the lives of so many gay and lesbian brothers and sisters if they are truly living a sinful lifestyle? During this recent journey in my life I’ve experienced some deep loss and grief that’s shaken me to the core, but never for a moment has it challenged what I know concerning my standing before God as a Christian and a Lesbian. I’m many things: a woman, a lesbian and a minister but they all pale in comparison to being a child of God. And that is what I am. So are you?

 Conclusion

In everything by prayer and supplications with thanks giving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will keep your hearts and your soul & minds in Christ.

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2013 April 2: I was warm… I’m cold and hurt