by Kopano Sibeko

Sneaking in and out, private calls, unnecessary lies and scents of foreign colognes and fragrances all seem to be an impeccable way to assume that your partner is having an affair.  So a friend of mine has observed all these alerting traits of unfaithfulness and she is utterly convinced that her partner has a side-chick, oh so they call them.

Her reaction to this, was purely as expected, devastated. While sharing these life changing news she cried her eye balls out, as if she just heard of a death in her family.  Yes as friend I was obliged to comfort her and tell her that everything will be fine.  She’ll get over it.  She’s still young and she will sure meet someone who will be faithful and loyal to her and their relationship at all times and whilst debating what I just said in my mind.  The rational character in me believed that I lied to her, because truth is, they probably will cheat on her again.

The mental debate that I continuously have with myself is why do people tend to blame themselves when their partners cheat?
Yes I’ve also been victim to this because I mean it must make sense that there should be something wrong with you.  Or something wrong you’re doing or rather something you’re not doing at all that drove your partner into another’s arms.

My predicament is this, most of us have cheated either once, twice or most of our lives, and it really depends on how one weighs or qualifies the act of cheating and what determines cheating. Though to my shock people who are cheated on behave so much like victims.  As if they were never perpetrators before, funny how some of us like being all hypocritical as if we’ve never cheated. I’m not justifying cheating nor am I promoting it.  But if they cheat on you it has absolutely nothing to do with you, more often than not people get hurt because they think that there’s something wrong with them when their partner cheats.
It has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with their selfish reasons. Yes it affects you because that person is a part of you, but it’s not about YOU!
But then again those are my thoughts.

Having spoken to a lot of my friends about this subject matter, there are a percentage of things that incites cheating, be it sexual, emotional, spiritual, and financial or otherwise at the end of the day.  Cheating is an act of selfishness. I say this because it is self-beneficiary. As ridiculous as this may sound.  When someone cheats on you it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.   Sometimes maybe they don’t anymore but because of time spent in the relationship they might be scared to let go.
I mean I’ve been told that cheating depends on a situation, which in all instances is about the self.

People are prone to cheat if they are not happy.  Sometimes it’s not because you don’t make them happy, but because they are unhappy with themselves and they’re constantly try to fill that void.
They tend to forget that happiness is a self-sufficient quality, you cannot find it in others, you have to find it in yourself and be satisfactory with what you have before making or expecting the next person to bring out that side of you.

I will not be totally oblivious to the fact that we are all likely to get hurt when someone is not loyal to us.  Especially if we are romantically entwined to that person.
It has however come to my attention that people don’t like monogamous relationships.  They view them as rather complex and demanding.  If people didn’t mind being in a polygamous one, then there will be no cheating.  But pure openness and a balance because as stated that two is better than one, but then again three is a crowd.

After thoroughly thinking about this and making sense of it.  I shared it with my friend to try and ease her stress and help her move on.  She thinks I’ve completely lost it.  She called me heartless and inconsiderate.
I hope that someday it will make sense to her that, because her partner cheated on her it’s not her fault and that no one is flawless.

Previous by Kopano

2013 Aug. 31: Black Lesbian Visual Activist wins Mbokodo award

and

2013 Aug. 13: Love Transcends and Love Prevails