It is late at night when my mind begins wondering to places I made a concise decision to ignore. The thought lingers over me like a dark cloud above my head and suddenly I am cold with sadness. I listen to the rhythmic breathing of my partner who lay with her head on my chest and her warmth tries to fight off the cold but this is a battle not worth fighting at the moment.
I have never been in the closet and I have never been confused about my sexuality. From a young age I knew who I was, but did not know the right words to express what I was feeling. I did how ever believe that something was wrong with me, and that amongst other things led to thoughts of suicide when I became a teenager. It is the fear of hell and hurting my parents that prevented me from doing anything stupid and it is the fear of hurting my parents that keeps me from telling them about this beautiful woman I call my girl.
I cannot help but believe that my parents are being ignorant for not being aware of my sexuality. The signs have always been there, it is them who choose to look past them. I want for them to open their eyes and see the truth so that I do not have to tell it to them, but that is not happening. I have just turned 24, an age where I am done screwing around with girls and looking for true love. I am now working towards a future, a future I fear my parents will not be proud of.
I am not a closet case and never have been yet my parents are under the impression that I will one day marry a man. I am at a predicament because I want to tell them that I am attracted to women, that I love everything about them. But at the same time I do not want to disappoint them. However, I do not understand why my sexuality should be disappointing to them, I am happy and healthy. Is that not what should count?
Instead than the gender of the person I choose to be with.
It is late at night and I lie on my back watching the moon smile down on us. My flat is wide with a window that covers an entire wall. Where the window ends is a transparent door that leads to the balcony. I hold my love closer and try to count the stars. The moon illuminates her light skin, our naked arms and legs intertwined.
How could this possibly be a sin and why would any one want to stand against it?
Why are we judged, raped and killed for loving those close to us and giving them affection?
For a moment I feel helpless and I pray to God that he protects us.
I am a believer of the bible; I believe in God, and that he sent his son Jesus to die for our sins. I believe that Jesus died and rose and that his blood cleansed us off all our sins. I also believe that man is sinful by nature but I refuse to believe that this is a sin. I come from a God fearing family and when they find out I am lesbian I will be a sinner in their eyes. I will no longer be just the daughter, niece and aunt; I will become the gay daughter, the lesbian aunt and the strange niece. This I know for a fact.
I have two options, be the woman they expect me to be at home, who aspires to things either than marriage and continue to live my life as I please when I am away from home. Or I can come out of this closet I claim I am not in and bare the consequences due to me, no longer being the young woman they know me as, but as isitabane (homosexual). I don’t mind being called isitabane, in fact I don’t even care. But I do mind if my parents are hurt by it even if what hurts them is a large piece of my being that will never change
So I continue to count the stars until I feel exhaustion weigh heavily on my half closed eyelids. I hold my lady closer and fall into a pleasant, deep sleep despite all my worries.
My name is Sandisiwe Dlamini. I am from a small town called Port Shepstone on the South Coast of KZN but I now live in Johannesburg.
I studied Video Technology at the Durban University of Technology where I graduated with distinctions. I did my internship at E News Africa, The Refinery as well as Black Brain Pictures. Currently I am an editor at a community TV channel.
When I was young I had a wild imagination and because of this I would make up my own stories and write them down. When I became older I started writing poetry and after High School I started drafting scripts and complete novels. Some of which I plan to publish one day. My love for writing led me to study television.
In high school I joined a municipal NPO called Life Hunters where I was regional secretary and registered an arts organization with my peers called NEW AGE.
New Age is a group of youngsters that come together to share their love for art in the form of music, drama, dance and poetry.
After University I was part of the crew for a feature film QHAKAZA that was aired on Mzansi magic in 2013 and 2014.