2015 Aug. 7: Double Despair

by Siba Nkumbi

She never thought rape would still be an issue at her age, or in the year 2015. However, it seems like the human species has allowed it to be an everyday thing. Sadly, she found out the hard way when she got raped.

Let’s call her *Angie*. It all started as an adventure to clear some mental space. She travelled from city to city, going wherever her heart led her. It was an attempt to get over a recent break up; her whole world had fallen apart, while her heart was grieving. Close friends were concerned about her safety. Angie wasn’t aware that the break up was not the worst thing that could happen. Little did she know that the worst was yet to come, while she drifted in her inconsolable melancholic state.

Here’s the story…

After a lot of travelling, Angie realised that her travels won’t bring her ex back, so she decided to hitch hike and go back home to nurse her broken heart. The timing was wrong; it was a Friday night around 11pm. A silver-grey car stopped to give Angie a lift to where she was going. Inside the car were 3 men and one woman. Seeing the woman in the car, Angie felt safe enough to hop in, since the driver said they were going to the same town Angie was headed to. The fearless Angie put on her seatbelt and off they went.

As the car approached their destination, the lady got off, leaving Angie alone with the men. When the driver started a conversation about how much homosexuality is a sin, her heart started to beat faster; she could hear its echo in her ears. A small voice said to her she must jump off the moving vehicle, but then one guy assured Angie that she was safe, and for some reason, as smart as she was, she believed him. She calmed herself by contributing to the conversation and told the men that homosexuals are not hurting anyone by being who they are.

That was the last time she uttered a word. The conversation got heated and Angie heard the driver whisper to the man next to her saying, “let’s show her”. Again her heart raced, she could feel that something bad was going to happen. As they reached town, Angie could see her Aunt’s house and so she was a bit relieved and asked to get off. The car didn’t stop, and it was locked so Angie couldn’t jump out. The car went in another direction where it was dark and quiet enough that no one would hear her scream.

To give you an idea of these men, the driver was a chubby, pot bellied and sweaty man, with cold eyes. The second guy was tall and dark skinned, so thin that a broomstick could easily break his bones, with hair that looked like grains of rice placed on someone’s head. The last one was just too small to even afford a description. Angie later found out that the chubby man was a father to a daughter her own age and has a wife.The cherry on top was the fact that he is a police officer by profession!
So it was decided amongst the three men that raping Angie was the only solution to show this ‘Homo’ of a woman she wasn’t a man. The one guy started to rip Angie’s clothes off, with the help of the second man. The driver was so ecstatic and cheering, telling the guys “Show her boys.”
At that point, Angie fought for her life; she punched and kicked until the car stopped. They all dragged her out of the car. She saw her life literally flash before her eyes. Those guys were kicking and beating on Angie saying things like “you don’t deserve to live, you’re a disgrace to humanity.” Yes, it was a violent incident.

Some call it “hate crime” to be politically correct. As they took turns raping her, they assaulted her to a point where she felt numb. A kick on the head made Angie pass out while the last guy was busy raping her. Angie is convinced that they left her to die out there, but God said no. She reckons that she woke up a few hours after the incident.
She got up but couldn’t walk properly, because her body was hurting everywhere. She miraculously made her way home, attempted to pee but the damage was too much, it was too painful. When she looked in the mirror her face was swollen and had a little scar on her head followed by a couple of bruises on her inner thighs. Slowly she took a bath and crawled into bed. When she woke up, no one was home. She felt the shame and decided to not tell anyone; until her mom saw the shorts she was wearing that day.
Her mom approached her and asked, “I found your shorts hidden at the back of the cupboard, they were dirty and with blood stains, did anything happen to yesterday?”
Angie had no response, the mother went on to say, “I couldn’t sleep, I was crying the whole night. It was like I was sensing danger,”  instead of answering she went outside to cry her lungs out.

Angie was determined to forget all that has happened and went on a drinking spree. Until she decided to tell her aunt what happened, so that the aunt could tell her mother. The look on her aunt’s face, made her aunt lose her breath. She had to sit down and catch her breath. When the mother heard what happened she couldn’t stop crying. Angie felt fine and so the psychologist told her that she had what they call survivor’s euphoria and in time it will come back all at once and she was right. Angie became a different person, withdrawn and started isolating herself. All Angie does when she’s alone is cry. Angie told the very same ex what happened, at that moment she was blaming the ex.

Saying, “had it not been for the break up, none of this would have happened, because she got raped in the process of getting over the ex.” A friend called and urged Angie to seek medical help and to Angie’s relief 72hours weren’t over yet and so she got helped.  Suddenly there was reality in Angie’s head from HIV to STI’s not to mention pregnancy. Angie was a miserable wreck; her will to survive kept her going.

Angie had never slept with a man before the rape, so her first time with the opposite sex was a gruesome one. She misbehaves a lot lately since she cannot cope with what happened to her, the trauma is real. The only person she feels she can talk to and open up about the situation is the same person that will end up telling her she’s victimising herself. Angie has realised that isolating herself works best, hoping and praying that it will get better with time. She decided not to press charges because she was scared of one of her rapists who is a policeman. She also didn’t want to relive the whole incident over and over during the court case. She just wanted to start all over and forget it ever happened. Angie consciously left it in the hands of Mother God, believing that what comes around goes around.


Previous by Siba


2015 Jan. 4:  Exploring my femininity as a butch



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8 Responses to 2015 Aug. 7: Double Despair

  1. Precious says:

    Now this is sad,Hope someday she will forgive and find peace in her heart.

  2. Andrea Walters says:

    I hope that ‘Angie’ reads this:
    Please, please, firstly see a woman doctor to ensure that you don’t have an STD. Seek help from a psychologist – if she is prepared to say where she is, I might be able to help with free counselling. Without doing these things, and yes they require bravery, especially when one is deeply depressed and traumatised, but without getting help you will stay in the terrible space you’re in.
    I wish you God’s richest blessings and the courage to seek the help that you need.

  3. nene says:

    Hi angie,what happened to you is the most horrible,painful thing,i cannot imagine what you going through.however God will never leave you,yes you might think God left you that night,yes you might blame your ex what happend, but blaming anyone won’t help the situation, I also haven’t slept with a man,if what happend to you will happen to me,i don’t know what I will do..all I can say be strong and courageous,your life is not over.if you need someone just to listen, u can watspp me 0737603590,nene.

    • Siba says:

      Nene, I have given Angie your number. I’m sure in time she’ll be able to talk about it. We thank you for availing yourself.

  4. Pingback: 2015 Aug. 10: A true definition of reality | inkanyiso.org

  5. Kamoso says:

    Hi! Angie

    what you went through, as I read, I could only imagine it in my mind and I could only relate how broken and destroyed you might be feeling. You went through a horrible, scary and soul breaking ordeal.

    You wanted love from another woman who you ended up hurting you and she left you. So many of us Lesbain women, have been hurt by something or somoene and our upbrgining has left so many scars that we seek for love in other people.

    We fail to love ourselves, we just don’t get the fact that our partners can never fill or be the solution to what caused the pain from when we were conceived. Please listen, the solution doesn’t lie with other people, it lies with you, you need to face your inner demons, you need to face what is infront of you, YOU!

    I am really sorry that those men took away your dignity, they hurt you, eish! they left you destroyed, wish they could see how it changes you as a person, how rape kills the soul and destroys the mind.
    They will pay for what they did to you, nothing in this world goes unanswered.

    Angie! I wish i had the power to change what has happened to you, but i don’t have them. But this i can say to you, you have the power within you to heal yourself, the power to rise above what has happend to you. It may not be easy, but with God there is nothing impossible.

    I hope you will find yourself again, I hope you will heal and I hope God reveals Himself to you in a way you have never experienced before and that He heals every pain you have been through.

    I am really sorry that they hurt you so much, that they destroyed you so much. I am sorry Angie

  6. Siba says:

    Angie is getting stronger by the day, yes she has become a totally different person. Trauma does that sometime. I’ll personally make sure she reads everyone’s responses, on behalf of her thank you for the wise words.

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