2015 April 16: My story as a Zimbabwean Transvestite

My name is Ntokozo R Dube also known as Stacie.
I’m a transvestite who stays in Minnebron. I was born 22 years ago in a very small town called Plumtree in Matebeleland South of Zimbabwe. From a very young age I felt differently about myself. Every time I looked in the mirror instead of seeing a young boy all I saw was a little girl.

Stacie's portrait from personal album. The photo was taken by a friend (2015/03/13)

Stacie’s portrait from personal album. The photo was taken by a friend (2015/03/13)

I spent time with girls instead of boys. I would sometimes play dress up in my mom’s closet. I didn’t understand what was happening with me. I didn’t know what being gay meant, never even seen or heard of a gay person, because where I come from they say it’s a criminal offense. My family thought I would change as I grow up, but that didn’t happen.

When I reached teenage hood I realized that I had feelings for other boys. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused, angry, depressed ashamed and angry. I went to a boarding school where I met different kinds of people. I noticed that some boys acted and behaved like I did, but I was afraid to talk to them about that subject. I was scared that it would raise suspicions and get me charged for homosexuality.  So I maintained a distance between me and all of them.

I eventually made friends with most of those guys and that’s when they sort of told me that I am a “stabane”. I was very angry with them. I felt like they were insulting and humiliating me. I made friends with this other girl who was/is lesbian, and she explained to me what being gay meant. She was sort of well informed, but I couldn’t understand nor accept that I was gay.
A few years later I came to South Africa and stayed with my sisters. One day we were in a taxi from Thokoza to Phola Park, and there was this lady (as I assumed), my sister whispered in my ear “yistabane lo”. I was confused mostly because when I looked at her I pictured myself having that courage to come out and stroll about in red stilettos like her.

I wanted to ask my sister how that person came to be but I was scared that she’ll pick up that I’m gay and react.  So I decided to keep quiet and stay in the dark. A few months later I moved to Soweto to stay with my male cousin. He used to ask me why I didn’t have a girlfriend at my age.

To avoid being a subject of gossip I dated a girl. It felt unreal and weird because I didn’t have feelings for her or any other girl for that matter. So I dumped her when my cousin was convinced that I was a “man”. I was still lost and confused. I tried a lot of things to be a “real man”.
I had circumcision and even slept with a lot of girls hoping to change into a man that everyone and myself expected to be, but that was just a waste of time and energy because that wasn’t who I am.

One sunny day in December I met this charming guy.  The minute I laid my eyes on him my heart pumped faster.  It was like am having a mini heart attack but I didn’t say anything to him. To my surprise the guy asked me out, I pretended to be angry and lied to his face “hey wena ngiyindoda yangempela, angiso stabane” (I’m a real man, I’m not gay).
I tried to turn him down but the true person inside me couldn’t resist what she saw, so I gave in and dated the guy. Whenever I was with him, his touch and his kiss felt so real. For the very first time in my life I felt happy and comfortable about my sexuality.
On the 24th of December 2011 I decided to come out to my family and everyone that I am gay. I sent everyone close to me a message about my decision. I was scared that they’ll reject or hate me. I thought of what people back at home would say. I imagined myself being a subject of idle gossip at shops, schools, river and everywhere. I was so scared.

To my surprise ¾ of my family accepted, supported and loved me unconditionally.
It was the best Xmas gift from me to me. I let out the diva that I was hiding inside me; I changed my entire closet and did my hair. I was so happy and alive more than I have ever been before. I contested in many pageants the likes of Miss Gay Uthingo, Miss Gay Daveyton, Valentine and Miss Gay Jozi; and all thanks go to my “mom” Lesiba Mothibe who groomed me to be a queen that I am today.

My dream is for LGBTI communities in other countries to have this freedom we have here in Mzansi. It’s a long way to go but if we stand up, unite and fight for what is rightfully ours, we will win our right to freedom. I wish I could do something to bring LGBTI freedom rights to those countries, especially in my home country.
I am so happy to be living my life the way I’m supposed to.
What more do I need?
Let me guess, I want nothing because everything will happen when I’m the person I’m supposed to be not a fake person I was struggling and faking to be.

 

Related links

 

2015 Jan.3: I dropped out of the closet many times

 

and

 

2013 Oct. 2: ‘I am a normal transgender woman’

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted in Another Approach Is Possible, Archived memories, Creating awareness, Expression, Power of the Voice, South Africa, We Are You, We Care, We Still Can with/out Resources, Writing is a Right and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to 2015 April 16: My story as a Zimbabwean Transvestite

  1. agaciro3 says:

    Reblogged this on Agaciro.

  2. agaciro3 says:

    Hey beautiful Stacie ! Like you we are many around africa to stay in the closet and wishing that very best to happen to us…Thx for sharing your Story, its always a pleasure to know more on how others are living…Keep blessed and may the life be good to you !

  3. Ramazan Ngobese says:

    Ayy isihloko isona esingidonsile bakithi @ Ntokozo wasiza waphumela obala ngoba phela haybo akukho mfana la kuwena I see a beautiful girl uyidiva buza mina

  4. Fanuel Gumede says:

    Wowwwwwwwww Stacie dont come back to Zimbabwe

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