2015 Nov. 27: Relationships don’t create happiness but reflect it

by Tinashe Wakapila

Relationships are simply the mirrors of your happiness; they reflect it and help you celebrate it. Most people enter into relationships with an eye
toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can
put into them. Nobody will fix your life or make you feel special, if
you are not able to give that to yourself first.

Just like when you get into a relationship and expect to feel loved. Okay, get me right, that is the reason to be in a relationship, but there is a certain way you have to get into one. You cannot get into it broken, with doubts, fears or because the reason you are in it is to heal. No, you must find closure, love and healing by yourself. ONLY THEN, can the other person’s love become a soothing completion. There are two words that most people use when they define the same thing, but it does not have the same meaning.

One such example is complete and finished. It has been said that, “When you marry/love the right one, you are COMPLETE.” And “when you marry/love the wrong one, you are FINISHED.”

When you get into a marriage or love relationship expecting to give, including giving what you are not putting into yourself, then you are Completely Finished. Its logic, you cannot give what you do not have.

When I was young my mother would let me rock myself to sleep, and when I cried too much she would sit there. Her heart breaking as I soothed myself with a thumb or sucker (pacifier). At that moment I thought she was evil, how could she do such? She would only come with her breast so I can suckle, after I had silenced myself.  Now as an adult that concept has come to play, I do not run and get all dependent, on my mother or other people. Often when the going gets tough I’d rather stand tall and work through my battles. My mother and other people become soothers after I have done most of the groundwork.

Coming to same sex love, should I spend my life regarded as “her best friend who lives with her?”
Because the human species that brought me in this world has refused to get it. Shall I then shun the whole idea of me walking down the aisle with the one I love because s/he is like me?
I refuse, because as long as there is a legislation that allows me to be in holy matrimony. I shall render my single power and do exactly what any girl dreams of, walk down the aisle with her, even if it means my wedding will have 10 people or less. I will not care, as long as the witnesses available share the same sentiment as me, I shall rejoice.

Yes it was my dream to have my mother covered with blankets for traditional celebration purposes. But I have crossed the traditional norms of marriage; the other who is supposed to be giving is like me. Should I then die labeled as “single”?
While I have a loving soul mate who has vowed to carry me till the grave. There is nothing as sad as parents who spend all their lives denying their child’s sexuality, and when she dies while she is with her homosexual family, want to act as if they knew so much about their child and claim her belongings. Saying all they knew was that “she was with her friend.” No, it should not work like that. When one decides to make it their business to reject their own, they should allow it to be till the end, to enable those who carried her to lay her to rest, amongst the community of people who were fond of her.

I have a note for those who have refused to acknowledge me. I am not going to die single; I have found her. Give her the respect she needs when I am gone, just because you refused to embrace what we have embraced does not give you the right to hold on to your disrespect even when I am gone. She is my one and only, the person I cherish.

I refuse to be labeled single and unmarried, just because traditionally things were not done appropriately. If you have not noticed, I have passed the ‘appropriate’ already.

Faces and Phases participants, Phila Mbanjwa and Tinashe Wakapila, a selfie taken by Phila somewhere in Durban (28.06.2015)

Faces and Phases participants, Phila Mbanjwa and Tinashe Wakapila, a selfie taken by Phila somewhere in Durban (28.06.2015)

Blessed are those who will go through a traditional celebration for their marriages as gays and lesbians, because they are complete. I too will have completed my service with or without the traditional wedding. That white wedding and the few acknowledgements shall witness my Holy matrimony. It is not everything you take that is given. Never put your happiness in other people‘s hands, they will drop it. Love is not a feeling because feelings come and go!
It is therefore a decision to commit, to meet the needs of another person without expecting anything in return.

So what if I do not get commemorated and get called broken and indecisive, my feelings and emotions still come back to believe this:

  • Broken crayons still color.
  • Shattered mirrors still reflect light.
  • Being broken does not mean that we are useless.
  • Being shattered does not mean that we must be thrown out.
  • Break a crayon and it becomes perfect for sharing with another person.
  • Shatter a mirror and it becomes a mosaic of little reflections.
  • Being broken means that we have the capacity to color the world more beautifully than a rainbow.
  • Being shattered means that we have a greater power to reflect light.
  • We must not see our broken life as pointless.
  • We must not see the shattered pieces of our existence as a waste.
  • Quite the contrary, in fact. Every broken and shattered piece of our life is a part of what makes each of us beautiful and meaningful.

No one colors the world quite like you. No one reflects the light of existence the way you can. Today, I will color this world and brighten this day in my own special way because I am broken and shattered.

Done for what its worth.


Previous by Tinashe


2015 Jan. 3:  I dropped out of the closet many times



This entry was posted in Another Approach Is Possible, Archived memories, Creating awareness, Expression, Power of the Voice, South Africa, We Are You, We Care, We Still Can with/out Resources, Writing is a Right and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to 2015 Nov. 27: Relationships don’t create happiness but reflect it

  1. Beautiful! Would it be ok if I reshare on my blog?

  2. W. Lotus says:

    This is beautifully said. I smiled while reading it.

  3. Pingback: 2016 June 10: Contains Explicit content for good knowledge Aluta Continua | inkanyiso.org

  4. Tinashe says:

    thank u readers I loved it myself as I read it I tear a bit good gracious

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