by Tinashe Wakapila
I always imagined the liberation of coming out when I was in the closet. The times I came out I felt a burden lift off my chest and weight off my shoulders. That feeling lasted only for a short while because it was followed by all these questions. This article is mainly focusing on some importance of informative answering regarding our society as Lesbians or women who love other women.
Just some quick advice, “coming out” is a term that was produced by whoever to allow people to meddle in your business. Yes it is a liberal thing to do, for the good of not having to hide but it is a continued journey of a lifetime as long as you meet people.
My family and I are in great company, my mother got to accept and my father agreed along so did my siblings. They love me so dearly but funny enough the coming out pamphlet did not come with the terms and conditions I now face on a daily basis to be a teacher and attain a level of patience. Like for instance, I did not know that coming out has no end date it goes as you meet different people just that now you get to really say it with pride without the fear of thinking, “what if my parents or family hears it from the person I told.” You remember rejection, stigma and hesitation will be in people.
Let me take for instance the incident that personally happened to me with family. I literally nearly passed out, we are in the 21st century some of these sarcastic ignorant questions from ignorant people annoy me. The question “how do you do it? How do you make love God created Adam and Eve.” That question directly came from one of my elder cousins who was in the “dark”. I am talking about a well learned and academically groomed person, who is capable of utilizing the internet. My response was getting ready to shoot her down and say sarcastic things like “come to bed with me I will show you and stuff like google it.“ Then it really hit me hard that once upon a time they would not even raise the topic, they would just seclude me. This was my chance to be able to really explain. No matter how the question was coming to as It was my duty as a lesbian family member to instil knowledge which is what we the LGBT society lack sometimes, knowledge of informing others regardless how they pour the questions to us.
I sat her down and had her define the definition of love making in her own senses. I also went to to make her define pleasure, that way when I start having my own definitions we would remain together on the same page.
With heterosexual people, apparently most of them sexual intercourse is penetration. They do understand how everything goes down, where they miss us is the penetration part. Which is were I had to intervene, without making her feel like she is having wrong sex or I am having wrong sex.
These steps I took because we were at a family gathering not a sex topic of heterosexuals and homosexual this topic ended up taking me about 15-20mins because it is the only end part that stretched a bit in her trying to devalue my sex relations because I did not get penetrated. I did not want to have a whole debate on what is sex and what is not. Our conversation ended up with a unison agreement after I gave her an example in the straight context
Me: Lets say your friend’s husband has got a 13 inch penis and she feels satisfied and yours has 16 inch one does it mean she is having wrong sex
Her: No because we have different types of vaginas.
Me: There you go you got your answer.
Her: How do you mean?
Me: Some women’s vaginas just don’t have an appetite for big, small or any dick at all.
She just shook her head and wax rated the topic to how the cakes were nicely made and since then we in the same rocking boat.
What am I saying the moral of this gave me the courage not to quickly indulge in an agreement and misunderstanding.
So with this way of teaching no one gets in anyone’s case and try to bruise anyone. Always be ready to be attacked in hidden ways from people’s different questions. Sometimes we do know that this is just meant to harm me, rather turn it into an informative scolding. I like the question who is the guy here, instead of coming up with all sort of angered responses how about a simple when you see to chopsticks which one is the fork which one is the knife that way it all ends in a reign of victory to everyone. Being out is like having a wound and no bandage the wound is prune to every type of infections, if carelessly handled. So being out brings more hurt and even more knowledge.
For instance I went shopping with my brother- in-law he literally was eager to also know. We got in a baby shop and I marvelled the baby stuff in passing I mentioned issues like I want to have 4 of mine he looked at me, shook his head and went on to say “but you are lesbian, you hate kids.” I stared at him with bitterness in my eyes but again it was not his fault he was just as ignorant as any homophobic person would be. My first solution was to make him understand that as lesbian women, our mindset is the same like any couple would have. He asked me how, it was really an annoying question coming from a person who had low sperm count and had to IVF to pro create. I did mention to him that IVF was not only an option for straight couples. It was also important for parents in the homosexual community. He tried so hard to explain to me saying oh so why not do it the natural way I just looked at him and our conversation ended because he himself had not procreated naturally.
It may seem like these were ways to attack them but besides that I had learned and knew how to get up and respond. With coming out comes great responsibility boldness and confidence. Knowing your story and understanding yourself and surroundings better. It is often challenging but the minute you decide to curl up and be moody that’s when people take advantage of you and make you feel as if being you is the end of the world.
Although coming out does not erase homophobia do not be worried about those issues because at times it only makes it worse. Coming out is not the end of the story of a journey, it is the beginning and in most times I always wish I stayed in the closet. But hey, I am a girl who is out and there is no turning back…
Previous by Tinashe
2015 Nov. 27: Relationships don’t create happiness but reflect it
2015 Jan. 3: I dropped out of the closet many times