… But a Relationship between Two People
by Yaya Mavundla & Lesego Tlhwale

Gaysbian is a term I’ve heard been mentioned a couple of times. When I first heard it, I was dumb struck because I wasn’t sure if I didn’t hear correctly or something. The first time I heard of the term, it came as a surprise to me, but being the curious person that I am, I made It a point to find out and understand what it is that was being talked about.

Like every other person who tries and find a definition for something nowadays, I went straight to Google, but to my disappointment I found nothing that describe what gaysbian meant. So I decided to ask around and the definition or rather the explanation that came out of my probing was that:  “The term Gaysbian is used for people who are gay men/trans-woman dating butch lesbians/trans-man.”

I am all about, acceptance, embracing and celebrating diversity in the LGBTI community, however this was just too much to consume. I mean, for me this was a foreign term, I knew nothing about it, never heard of it or even encountered it. Okay, maybe I might have met some hot beautiful gay guys when I used to party V2, one of thee hottest gay club in its time. Some of the gay guys would hit on me, but I have always thought it was because I was just a handsome lesbian and they mistook me for a guy, I never took it seriously.

I am no expert in this gaysbian world. However, there are people who have first-hand experience when it comes to this issue and they are not ashamed to say they engage in these kinds of relationships.

Yaya Mavundla, a gay man living in Johannesburg unpacked this issue for us. This is what he had to say about gaysbian: “I think the word was taken from two people dating who happened to be known as Gay and Lesbian by the society and because of a huge lack of knowledge. If people were not so misinformed and didn’t like to complicate and label things but just see couples as being just that, we wouldn’t be discussing this. It’s funny how people would always say at the end of the day we are all men and women so why can’t we be versatile? Oh no, I can’t be versatile, I’m so bottom!”

“What’s the issue with people accepting the fact that the so bottom fag and butch lesbian can date and not penetrate each other like straight people would do? What makes them different from you? Yes there might be a lot of differences but does it make them any less of human beings and immediately gives one the right to judge them and reckon they are no longer one of us?”

“We have people of who are in such relationships and they are NOT gaysbians, they are two people loving each other and they are NOT confused, its love.”

“It’s not surprising that some couples would keep their relationships a secret; they are scared of being judged and labelled by our community (since we are so good at it). After all that’s said and done, it still doesn’t change the fact that they are human beings.”

“A few years ago there was an open discussion about people who are in such relationships and I was shocked that the same questions that we hate in our community that are usually asked by straight folks were asked by one of our own; how do you have sex? Do you kiss each other? Who is a girl in a relationship?”

“These are rhetorical questions but they were asked just to prove their invalid points, that you are not part of the community, but a stranger which is why you are labelled “gaysbian”. Labels are given to people all the time but that doesn’t take away their identity and the fact they are human beings who are just madly in love each other like Romeo and Juliet. Me!”

The same sentiments were shared by Candice, a trans-woman, who said that, “I don’t see anything wrong, this is a free diverse world where by everyone have the right to freedom of expressing their feelings irrespective of who says what. People should stop judging and allow love to love who it feels to love. Love don’t ask why or chose who or what you are, love falls for who it feels for, whether butch lesbian or femme gay, love is uncontrollable, it goes where it desires. I love and date lesbians and I can’t change it because that’s how love feels and yes I do date guys as well, whether femme or straight looking, just as long as they don’t wear make-up and stilettos, (Lmao) if so then we will encounter a problem.”

However, some people don’t agree with this.  “I feel it goes against the meaning of being gay! Being gay means being attracted to somebody of same sex… it doesn’t matter how butch a lesbian can be, she’s still female. Same applies to a gay guy, ngisho angaba I queen enjani (even if he’s a queen) bottom line is he’s still male. Therefore, if these two get into a relationship darling they are more like a confused straight couple, said Diva Cadach.”

Some even went to an extent of calling it “perverted and twisted.”

Hearing all of that, made me realise how broad sexuality is, and the boxes that we put ourselves in blocks us from seeing that there is more to it than meets the eye.  As cliché this may sound, you do learn something new every day.

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About the authors

Yaya Mavundla is a Model | MC, Columnist: EXIT, Entertainment Reporter.
Check: http://www.yayarsa.blogspot.com

Lesego Tlhwale is a writer, an activist, a lover, a friend, a mother to five cats and an aspiring sex expert and teacher.

Previous articles by Lesego
2013 Feb. 12: A dildo is not a man; it’s a fantastic toy…

and

2013 Feb. 24: Misinformed stereotypes among lesbians