2013 Feb. 12: A dildo is not a man; it’s a fantastic toy…

by Lesego Tlhwale

“Lesbians who like to use strap-on dildos, secretly sleeps with man!”
This kind of statement I hear frequently in black lesbian spaces, when they talk about sex. So yesterday while we were having a meeting with a group of black lesbians, talking about business ventures and other things, I saw an opportunity to ask a group of intelligent young black lesbian women a question most do not want to be asked.

dada, 2003. (c) Zanele Muholi
first published in Only half the Picture (2006)

The question I asked was, what were their thoughts on lesbians who use strap-ons to have sex with their partners? Everyone was dazed by my question which came unexpectedly, but I had to ask it because I was curious what their thoughts were on the subject of sex toys.

After asking the question, I broke the ice by telling them that my partner and I use sex toys and that we both enjoy them, and see nothing wrong with them. Then I asked everyone to share their views and whether they also use sex toys with their partners. I must say I did not expect the response I got from the group.

I was surprise by the openness and sharing the group had with their sexual preference and desires. I have been in a lot of black lesbian spaces where no one would admit openly to using sex toys. In fact many lesbians I know would not even suggest the idea of using toys to their partners or friends.

If you do admit to using toys;  trust me, you are going to be judged and labeled as being a ‘fake’, ‘bisexual’ or even ‘confused’ lesbian who secretly sleeps with men.

Yes, some lesbians do have that misconception about lesbians who want or are already using a strap-on. They turn to judge them, and make them feel embarrassed for wanting to use sex toys.

I mean it is bad enough we have to deal with some straight people who feel lesbians who use and find pleasure in a strap-on are secretly longing for men, but to have fellow lesbians who also fuel the same stereotype and pass judgments to those who are open to sexual variation is appalling.

The fact that I am a lesbian does not mean I find the sensation of something penetrating my vagina unpleasant; I am a woman after all and believe in being pleased in any way possible by the woman I love. My desire to penetrate my partner with a strap-on is also not an attempt to emulate heterosexual sex; I just like the pleasure I get from it.

I know most lesbians only want to hear each other talk about how they muff their partners till they run dry! How their fingers can please a girl better than a man can! And how fuckin’ great the scissor position is! I will not deny, I also love these positions, but they are not all there is to please a lesbian woman.

Some lesbians enjoy penetration, not because they are longing for cocks; they are just exploring every sexual pleasure that is out there.

For me, using sex toys is about intimacy and pleasure; it’s not about secretly wanting a man. And besides, a dildo is not a man; it’s a fantastic toy….

About the author:

Lesego featuring in Faces & Phases (2012)

Lesego featuring in Faces & Phases (2012)

Lesego is a writer, an activist, a lover, a friend, a mother to five cats and an aspiring sex expert and teacher.

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41 Responses to 2013 Feb. 12: A dildo is not a man; it’s a fantastic toy…

  1. smith says:

    M also a woman who LOVeS 2 please her partnr with evrything that will make her cum nd cum nd cum back 4 more, I use Toys, hav 4 so long, nd get pleasure in doin so…

  2. A conversation that still needs to be dialogued, there is fear, misconcepts and misunderstanding about the use of sex toys. The Lesbian community still needs to be educated adn empowered, well done for writting such a piece.

  3. buwamosadi says:

    I enjoyed reading this. Personally I’m a prude so the sex topic is a no go area nje! But kudos to the frankness of your writing – we have a long way to go as black lesbians. We’ll get there, I’ll get there.

    I use toys!!!! *hides* lol

  4. I mean really now, people need to be more open minded!
    Being with someone shouldn’t be about their kuku or penis! So what about two gay men who still uses sex toys? As in dildos? What are they longing for? I suppose the answer from sum “people” will be “bayahlanya or bayagula if not confused” comes back to judgemental and wanting people lo live life according to ur expectations. Sad.

    Sadly, we have trans women who date trans men, call them Butch so U are able to justify it enought to say “Gaysbian” (Still wondering what’s that), some of them uses sex toys, this is where a trans men would penetrate a trans women, what are the butch lesbian longing for there? She’s not being penetrated mind U! I’m hoping one get to convince me with the ubsurd society stereotype. #NoPunIntended.

    For butch lesbian and a feminine gay guy (Putting it this way perhaps to accommodate the “outside” society) having sex without sex toys, a butch fingering a fem gay guy (yes its happens, don’t act all shocked, we know its happens) what are they wishing for? I hope U are not thinking they are mad! Can just two people get intimate anyway they want without us assuming they are hoping it because of blah, blah and blah!
    Great article! I’m glad there are lesbian women who are cool with using sex toys if they feel like, at the end of the day its not a dick nor a boy! Never seen one with blood at least no matter how hot it may feel.

    • Nomvula Ngwenya says:

      Yaya

      I am so confusued right now- but I will educate myself-Thank You commenting tho-because now I am aware of other things that were happening around me but I was maybe ignorant or not exposed-they all sound interesting trust me-

      Thank You for enlightening Us!

      Sencerely
      Phola Ngwenya

  5. Carmen Rivera says:

    I want to let you know me and my partner also using sex toys and find nothing wrong with that it does not mean that I want a man or anything I have never been or will I ever be with s man . She has been the only women that I have ever let penetrate me with a toy she has made me feel so comfortable that I can give all of myself to her she is my world and I’m finally happy in all sence if the word .

  6. Junie says:

    Bravo!! Good to hear the truth and have someone brave enough to admit what so many shy away from. It’s sad how stereotypes shape what most end up believing is the truth. It’s just like the weird idea that butches shouldn’t date other butches because it’s gross…but just like the strap-on judgment is unfounded..so is the notion that a masculine lesbian must not feel attracted to other masculine women.

  7. nontembeko says:

    So true, I just wish this could be posted on billboards for all the lost and judgmental lesbians to see.
    The problem with people is being stuck in binary opposites. Its either /or why can’t there be nothing. Why the need to define and classify people. The last time I checked sexual practices are intimate to the one subjected to, why the need to step on other people’s boundaries.

    The reason most people hide their ACTUAL sexual preferences its because of this stereotyping and labeling. What the hell is being bisexual, so what if the other is bisexual; how does that affect the other.

    Lesbians should know better, its really not fair to be judged by your sexuality.

  8. Nontyatyambo says:

    Hi Lesego
    I would appreciate if you can come in one of EPOC LGBTI sessions and share this information. (Especially on sex and new tips as how to spice up sexual relationships)

  9. Lynn says:

    M glad we hv ppl hu twks bwt such topics. Openly. Coz mst ppl knws nthng bwt sch topics. So I say continue educating us

    BIGUPS

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  11. Thabangr De beer says:

    Thnx u lesego eish!u jst made my day hy

  12. Sinenhlanhla Luthuli says:

    Damn, you are a writer & a half.
    I like the points you made & how you open & voiced out your opinion.

    #standing ovation#

  13. Matsheko says:

    Alelluja impressive. I’m more than impressed that we have positive minds and attitude other. I haven’t used in a long time because you don’t use with just anyone. With me i say thumbs up sister.

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  16. ohhh lala says:

    I hve nothing again toys personally..I go to da porn shop to buy toys its no biggie..weda it be a strap on or whips or butterfly..let’s explore

  17. samkelo says:

    Hey wow all ur writings are awesome and teaches us all on issues of life. I won’t make my self better , I was 1 of em hu judge ppl whu us toys. Ur article putted some sense on me. I will not judge again. And I dont use sex toys

  18. Phiwo says:

    My wife & I have never used toys. We don’t have anything against them personally, we just have never had the desire to try them out. We’re not ruling them out completely, let’s face it, we have a whole lot years of sex ahead of us & one day we might want to try something new. On my side I say, try anything atleast once to better your connection sexually.

    Thanks for speaking up about this.

    Phiwo Ndungane-Matshayana

  19. Belle says:

    Interesting topic Lesego.
    Yes we, as the black Lesbian Community, have a long way to go.
    I don’t understand how we can judge each other and expect straight people to “understand” and “accept” us.
    Ofcos we do not live to please anyone
    My partner and I also use sex toys
    A strap-on does not mean we long for dick
    We go that extra mile to please each other
    We’re both pretty much happy
    And we enjoy it
    Its about the person behind that strap-on
    Behind that dildo that excites me
    And that’s all that matters to us!

  20. Nomvula Ngwenya says:

    Hi Lesogo-
    Let me just say I value your opinion . I am a very open minded person – hence I no longer judge anyone for what they prefer-because as I grown – I am learning a lot about myself and about other people-and I have developed this hunger to learn more so as to understand and not judge anymore-i have been judging I addmit-but I am trying to embrace change-
    – I’ve also heard a comment where lesbians were saying if even if was the real deal (dick as they put it)-they wouldn’t mind-meaning they are not agaisnt the organ itslef but the male characteristic or mannerism is a turn off for them- so I would think they wouldn’t mind a dildo-

    So such comments and discussions make me think and note that we are lesbian(s) but we all have dff. Preferences -so Thank You again for not being coy to put such topics or ideas out there-

    Excuse the spelling (no spell check here)

    Sencerely Phola Ngwenya

  21. malefa says:

    Hi lesego,I’m not a lesbian but hv friends who r & enjoy their company but that dusnt mean I long them sexually,so y should any1 think them using dildos means they long men? That’s so wrong,everyone enjoys sex differently & if it makes U happy so what.

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  35. Lebogang Tsheola MacDyke says:

    Well written,I must mention that paragraph 8 “The fact that I’m lesbian does not mean…” Is the climax of this blog,wow.I remember a few years ago when a whole lot more people than lately were stereotyped about this topic,I had to show so many of them a clip of “The Real L Word” of Whitney and Romi using a dildo,only after that scene people started relaxing and getting excited (pun fits in perfectly) and a little more understanding and curious.

  36. Sibongile says:

    Am so happy to hear this bcoz this past few days my gf was busy saying we should try something new to our sex life and she mentioned a strap-on I didn’t understand then that why all of a sudden but now I really do. Thank you!

    Big ups

  37. refilwe mogorosi says:

    I think you are right the misconceptions of using dildos as lesbians has gone way beyond most of our expectations. I gladly please my partner with one because it’s what she likes but I personally don’t get the same pleasure from a dildos as she does. Its all about how we want to please each other at the end of the day. The lesbian community needs to be well informed about sexual prefences and become more open minded

  38. Nokuthula says:

    I like when lesbians use stramp on dildos or not they must feel what is suitable for them,it depend how both partners feel about it.love you

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