2013 July 20: I’ve lived with her for years

I’ve been there before
Allowed it to rule my life
I gave in to it
Let it take full control of my entire being
Once upon a life
I lost all self conscience
my body was ruled by a force to be reckoned with
At some point in time
I went crazy

everyone believed I was
I also knew this because I felt it
I knew I was crazy
Something took me to a place
A peaceful graceful place with no worries
Nothing made sense to me
I lived in my own world for a long time
and it all made senseless sense to me
I could feel my hair falling off
I knew this had to happen
I’ve read books about it so I expected it to happen
Sleepless nights followed
My eyes got puffy and red

My neck was stiff
Stress took over and drove me to the verge
that’s where I met DEPRESSION
I remember how I would lay awake at night
plotting for my own death
like a serial killer would do with their victims
Each day I tried to find a new innovative way to die
You see I’m an artist and I love art
so I wanted to make sure that my death
becomes some form of art.

Depression guided me
She told me I could do it
I can end it all in just a minute
Oh how I wanted to do it
The adrenaline of death felt so good
This is what I needed

She gave me a few options on what to do
1 took an overdose of painkillers
2 slit my wrist
3 suffocate myself with a plastic bag
4 hang myself from the roof
5 jump off the bridge
6 get hit by a train at the railway
7 drawn in a pool or river
8 shoot myself on the head

I looked at all the option and noticed
all of them have been tried before
and I wanted my death to be fashionable
Needed it to be my kind of death
That everyone would easily put my name to it
My suicide had to be a new invention
that will set a trend

I’m a trendsetter
Depression got mad
She started playing tricks on me
Damn her tricks where pretty good
I believed in her
So much that when the psychologist told me
I had to let her go
I knew she was the crazy one who needed help

Started moving from psychologist to social worker
not that I needed help No
I just wanted someone to confirm
that SHE (depression) had taken over my life
and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it

We lived with each other for a long time
that no one knew I had her in me
Yeah we were good together
She was my happy and sad
I swear I spent all my life depressed so much
when I finally broke free from her
I didn’t know how to be happy
Sadness and sorrows was ME
that who I was

I drank
Everyday I had 4 shots of whiskey
so I could fall asleep
Drinking to ease the pain
Not getting drunk
nor forgetting about my problems afterwards
I tried almost every drink there is
mara lutho ukuphela izinkinga!
My body resisted the alcohol and that meant
no matter the liters of vodka I drank
nothing happened to me.
I allowed yesterday to lived in
today and control the future.
I let it make decisions for me
and that was my biggest mistake.

Depression took everything away from me
but what it took more was the ability to LIVE.
It robbed me off any chance of seeing a new day

by Maureen Velile Majola
© 2013/05/15

Previous by Maureen

2013 July 7: Trouble Soul


2013 June 21: The Princess of Norway pitched just for Muholi


2013 June 4: My Only Man


2013 May 16: Don’t touch ME!


2012 March 20: There’s a strawberry garden between your legs

This entry was posted in Crea(c)tive senses, Health, Life Stories, Power of the Voice, Prayer, Visual history is a Right not a luxury, Writing is a Right and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to 2013 July 20: I’ve lived with her for years

  1. This article remindes me of my late gay friend who was an activist from Ext1 not far from my home in Tsakane, Gcinumuzi Thokozani Mchunu, he commited suicide even before he passed on he tried to take his life before but he failed until he got a very strong and poisonous substance then the the suicide won the victory of his life. Thanks for sharing this artist it has helped me at some point cause we all go thru difficulties to an extend that the suicidal voice starts talking to us.

  2. Kopano says:

    I can relate, depression can take over you’re life, and if one doesn’t face it, it might end up being bipolar.

    I’m glad you over that stage, I wish more african black people can not be oblivious and look at it as a white ‘thing’ only.

  3. Tarras says:

    Ncooooh Mo

  4. Pingback: 2013 Aug. 6: My body as a subject of hate crime | inkanyiso.org

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