by Maureen Velile Majola

That night you made me stay up
so you can pour out your heart

When you reminded me of all my mistakes
When the age gap played it significant role again

The reminder
The constant reminder
That I MUST know my place

The silence in your speech
That said so much more than your words

I can never forget that night
You held my hand so tight
Looked me in the eyes
and told me “Uyisifebe wena”

All because I didn’t wanna do everything you told me
Because I refused to play by your rules
Because I wanted a lover and not a possible mother

The memory of that day lives
It breathes
It speaks to me

I can never forget the longest bus ride to Jhb from nowhere
I don’t wanna forget the look on your face
The grip of your hand
The words

The WORDS
The WORDS

They still play out in my head
I can hear your voice telling me I’m a “BITCH”
For loving you
Giving you my all
Staying with you even when I wanted to leave
Enduring all the pain
That came with loving you

Seeing you on your terms
Needing you
Wanting you
Missing you
Caring for you

Holding back
From loving others
Because I believed in YOU
I believed in US
That never existed

I can never forget
How you looked at my food
The meal I prepared out of love
and you just look at it and say
“Awukwazi ukupheka”

You always found a way to make me feel stupid
and feel like I needed you to hold my hand
As I beat that egg in a glass
Pour the oil in the pen
and try frying it
Just as you like it

Oh how my love
My endless effort
Was like pouring water on a duck

I don’t ever wanna go down that road again

I can’t let my SOUL go through this again

I will never let anyone make me feel like trash

When I know I am Gold.

Previous by Maureen

2013 Nov. 6: Moving On To Only Stay Behind

and

2013 Oct. 20: Deafened by my own ignorance

and

2013 Aug. 26: Just one day

and

2013 Aug. 6: My body as a subject of hate crime

and

2013 July 20: I’ve lived with her for years

and

2013 July 7: Trouble Soul
and

2013 June 21: The Princess of Norway pitched just for Muholi
and

2013 June 4: My Only Man

and

2013 May 16: Don’t touch ME!

and

2012 March 20: There’s a strawberry garden between your legs