by Thuthula Sodumo

I have always wondered what would happen if I was a human being, with no gender, no sexuality and no identity.

Just a human being that loved other humans and that’s it.

I wondered how it would be like if we all had one skin tone, one race and one voice…
And then I end up getting restless because it boring. The world would lose its chivalry and it would be just a blend space with nothing but uniform energies and useless beauty.

Then I go back to how the world is now, full of life…
Life. What quality of life?
Well that remains to be seen, but its life.

These thoughts come from many things that I am and those that I refuse. I am perhaps one of those that I am to learn about me, as a human being.

I went to a school where girls had their own hostel, we had boys yes but it wasn’t the same.

I have always admired a woman’s body at a very young age.

I also loved a man’s body but to me it left nothing to be admired.

I mean they didn’t have these bumpy bodies with curves and hourglass figures.
They didn’t have these asses that swayed and moved with time.

Their legs weren’t long and shiny, nourished and filled with drugs. They didn’t leave me in awe so yeah they were loveable but not admirable.

I remember the first time I grow breasts I knew someone would appreciate my body the way I did and that someone would be a woman, I wanted it to be a woman.

I longed to touch a fully developed breast and play with it, suckle on it like a new baby and squeeze it… It wasn’t sexual then, it was just a fascination with a woman’s anatomy.

I had my shenanigans in boarding school with the other girls, fooling around and all but it mean nothing to me, it wasn’t what I wanted, their bodies weren’t full, we’ve all hardly even reached puberty so it was just kids playing house no harm down.

I remember the older girls would make penises from paper then climb on top of the other and pretend to be fucking. It was fun but it left a huge question mark on my head. “how would it be like to touch a woman, a fully developed and experienced woman”

I didn’t know that the expectations of everyone was for a girl to marry a boy I thought it was okay to marry anyone you wanted to marry.. Seriously I wasn’t aware we were created to follow a system and that system didn’t give a fuck about out happiness or feelings… Follow it or be marginalised.

So I was gullible and naïve I guess. The day I realised that what I was longing for and unacceptable I prayed so hard for the feeling and the curiosity to go away, it was wrong.

As I got deeper into my repenting stage I had fought the demons a child my age should never fight, I was a sinner and God hated me, I needed to think how it would be like to touch a boy, a boys Dick then I would at least be a normal kid, I’d have something in common with other girls so maybe it would be acceptable.

When the feeling would come back I’d pray then I’d forget about it.

But I was also facing another dilemma of facing naked girls in the morning!

Big virgin porn star breasts, small perky tits, mild tennis balls, humongous watermelons, in the ass department it was the same, body types and silhouettes, pussy shapes, clitoris sizes, some too small to see and some puffy and erect and them some so big they scared me… Now that I’m older I can safely say. I was in Eden and so lucky to have learnt that much about women.

This all boils down to who and what I am. I am a pansexual woman, meaning I am gender blind, I date a human being then everything that follows really is a bonus. In my 22 years on earth I have never had a relationship with anyone.

Yes! I have lived my childhood fantasy of touching fully developed breasts and did more than that but I am yet to say “this is my girlfriend/boyfriend” or whatever best suites me.

There are a lot of issues surrounding that but the two main ones are I’m disabled and a very feminine straight looking lady.

Lol those two issues I swear will drive me to the nunnery. On a serious note though, being in a wheelchair and identify myself as pansexual have created a very haunting world for me.

I am constantly terrified to say. “by the way I’m pansexual” because lesbian women automatically thinks I’m saying ” by the way I’m screwing the whole world and you are next” they misunderstand it and aren’t open to hear me out.

The wheelchair part comes to play, because many people have already concluded in their minds when they see me being pushed or when I’m pushing myself that I must be the only person in the world that is suffering and therefore I am emotionally unstable and also they wouldn’t know how to approach me or what to say to me I am ignored by default, shut down and left to hang.

So mix the two together and think about how horny and lonely I get. $

The internet helped a bit but still the process of explaining myself is daunting.

I’ve had people genuinely interested in me as a person but the moment they hear I am a person with this and that they lose interest and I move right along.

You know some people are fucked up, they get your hopes high and BAM drop you.

Some would say “you are bisexual just admit it”
Some would say ” you are a lesbian”
…you are straight you just confused” really?
In this day and age we are still trying to fit people like puzzles?
Box them and sign “homosexual”.
“heterosexual”

Why can’t I say I’m a fruit loop and not have anyone deny it for me, why should I have to explain and not people going out there and understanding my sexuality. It is the most tiring thing ever. Especially when I tell a guy I’m pansexual and they go huh…I then calmly explain and they make it about sex not intimacy, not feelings, not anything that I love about my wide and long list of interests but sex… You’d swear I said. “bhuti your Dick isn’t the only thing that I enjoy sexually, I love pussy too”, the freak out like I am disease infested, explaining and learning at this point isn’t welcome I am called names mostly a whore.

If only people understood that sexuality is fluid… It flows, it moves..it isn’t one thing but many things.

For fucks sake there are people attracted to objects (objectumsexuals) are we going to deny them their right to love whatever they want to because we are to stuck up in the “mummy and daddy” system. It’s time now to accept that you do find “mummy and mummy”. .
“daddy and daddy” and sometime “mummy, mummy and daddy”

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About the author

Thuthula Sodumo is a 22 year old writer and art activist.
She lives in Eastern Cape, East London. Currently attending the University of South Africa (UNiSA), where she is completing her 3year in Public Admin. & Management.
She started writing at age 12.