2013 June 28: So What Is This?

by Charmain Carrol

When you love someone,
but the best option is to stay away…
I seem to think of you every second minute of every hour of the day.
I keep seeing flashes of you the morning after it all began.
I keep seeing your hands holding me so tightly,
and I never want you to let go.
What could it be?
Puppy love?
Love at first sight?
I’m too old for all of the above
I should know what I want.
I should know if I’m in love or not.
But I don’t… or do I???

All I want is you
All I want is to be in your arms and feel safe.
All I want is to laugh with you, I want to be happy
I can’t remember when the last time I was in love.
The last time I was swept off my feet.
The last time someone made me smile
and my cheeks just hurt because I couldn’t stop.
Was taken out on a romantic dinner,
and had my feet rubbed.
and laughed over silly jokes
but it seemed to be the funniest thing ever
and got lost in the kisses we shared.

But we can’t be
We can’t be who we want to be
She is with another
I’m with another
Whoever wrote the book of love
forgot to mention that you cannot choose for the heart

It unfortunately has a mind of its own
It has its own taste
It has no age
It has its own and its own language.
That only you and I understand
You would say the silliest things
and I would find the humour in it

So what is this?
I’m to walk away; I can’t seem to pick up my feet.
I’m to stop calling but when I look at my phone
you’re the first person I want to call
I’m to stop loving you.
But my heart skips a beat at the mention of your name
When I think of you instead of butterflies in my tummy
I feel the whole Zoo roaming around
I can’t seem to stop smiling
How am I to stop loving you
when love is the only thing we have
Staying away is not an option,
but if it makes you happy or it’s what you want
With blood sweat and tears I will standstill and watch you leave.

Previous by Charmain

2013 June 26: S/he is a Bleeding Man


2013 Feb. 8: “Let your voices be heard”


2013 Feb. 12: Mo(u)rning in the morning


2013 March 8: Affirmation – I Am A Lesbian


2013 Feb. 8: Mo(u)rning the loss …

This entry was posted in Archived memories, Art Solidarity, As we are, Beauty, Before You, Black Lesbians, Charmain Carrol, Community, Complicated Lesbian Relationships, Crea(c)tive senses, Creative Writing, Evidence, Faith, Family, Homosexuality, Johannesburg, Lady tactics, Life Stories, Love, Open relationships, Our lives in the picture, Power of the Voice, South Africa, Women; Voices; Writings; Education; Traditions; Struggles; Cultures, Writing is a Right and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to 2013 June 28: So What Is This?

  1. Kirro says:

    Wau ezi articles zezofundwa,u r really good!

  2. Junie says:

    Ok, lets say she said yes lets be together, would that mean you both leave the ones you’re with or you guys do it makwapheni style?

  3. Mawe says:

    Is this a lesbian polygamous relationship or what.

  4. Mawe says:

    Oh I forgo to ask, are you in an open relationship?
    Do you know of any individuals who will be keen to share our bed between me and my partner without any ‘strings attached’
    Am willing to learn how to be of good service to my ‘blk lesbian man’.
    Pls help before he look any further.

  5. Pingback: 2013 July 31: No title | inkanyiso.org

  6. Palsesa says:

    great stuff. felt the emotions

  7. Pingback: 2013 Sept. 19: The killing of Mandisa was immoral and uncalled for | inkanyiso.org

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