I lay here, in pain tossing and turning
waiting for the birth of my daughter.
I try to lift my head but it won’t get off the pillow,
as my body starts to give way my abdominals go numb.
It’s almost time,
As I raise my legs to push, fear drowns me
Fear of bringing this precious life to this world
Fear that the life that I have nurtured and carried for nine months,
connected to her with the umbilical cord and have some one take it away.
The pain that I’ve been in to the time when the doctor says it is a baby girl.
To me this is not just a girl,
but a precious gem that allowed me to bring it to this world,
to take care of.
To the joys of choosing the name that would suit her best,
that meant something a name my baby will carry with pride.

On 30th June 2013 Duduzile Zozo meaning:
(to comfort) was found brutally murdered in her neighborhood
with a toilet brush inserted in her genitals,
among the other brutal killings that have been reported of black lesbians.
They call it hate crimes
They call it ‘curative rape’
I’m in labor and in mourning

Do I bring another girl child to this world?
When they are being killed like animals.
Who thinks of the mothers,
the mothers that carried those lives and gave them life?
Does your mother cross your mind
when you brutally end someone’s life?
Does your sister?
Does your aunt?
Does your granny cross your mind
when you shoved a toilet brush into my child’s vagina?

You have decided to end her life.
Who will get me through the days?
Who will help me with my light bulbs?
Who will help me get through the day
You have taken away my child
My life
My pride
As I’m about to bring this life into this world for you to condemn I am in labor and in mourning.

Dedicated to all the mothers who have lost their children, through brutal murders.
Does anyone take time to think of those women who carried those children, especially lesbian identifying hate crime victims.

© Charmain Carrol
2013

Previous by Charmain

2013 June 28: So What Is This?

and

2013 June 26: S/he is a Bleeding Man


and

2013 Feb. 8: “Let your voices be heard”


and

2013 Feb. 12: Mo(u)rning in the morning


and

2013 March 8: Affirmation – I Am A Lesbian


and


2013 Feb. 8: Mo(u)rning the loss …