2013 June 4: emotional confusion of a break-up

 I walk with my head down because I don’t want anyone’s eyes to meet my sadness
Your name still echoes in my thoughts
You are still my first sight before I introduce my eyes to a new day
I wish you were just a fictional story and that
I made up your character in the left side of my brain
Moving on takes patience and I had the patience to be with you so I’ll be fine

I convinced myself to love you
I have no wishes for you, you took them all
I’m not angry I’m frustrated,
I’m hurt by the fact that I gave you the keys to my world
You made flesh wounds that needed stitches to close the pain
I couldn’t change you like the circumstances around me,
the weather, the day of the week, your past
You made me spineless, senseless

It hurts to say your name
See your name
Speak of your name
Hear your name from another mouth
It hurts when someone has your name
My heart is not installed with a clock
so this heartbreak of mine has no understanding of time
I found beauty in your feet because of your footsteps
and the way they imprinted the ground
and I could always see the steps that you’ve taken to get to where you are

I hope you find something or someone you are passionate about
so that you can know how it’s like to live for passion
I’m sorry I never inspired your life,
I never made you look at it through the lens of a spectrum
This isn’t my life, this is someone else’s story
While we were sitting behind bars, I should have realised,
it should have clicked to me that I was always your jail bird,
cause I was always sitting behind the bars of your limitation
There was always a limit to the way you loved me or liked me,
I’m finding it hard to know your difference
I keep inflicting pain on myself, razor blade against my skin
Razor blade for all the times I made you cringe when I touched you
Razor blade for all the times I was too butch for you
Razor blade for all the times I didn’t listen to my cry
Razor blade for all the times I wasn’t enough
Razor blade for wanting more for you
Razor blade for the alcohol that made you see me as sexy
in fact we should give that one a round of applause
that’s the best alcohol ever because on those nights I felt wanted by you,
you even cuddled too
Razor blade
Slice, I want to see the pain seep out of these lines
I tried to die
inside I wanted to kill every moment that I shared with you
Just so that your scent would rub off from my soul

Some of these words are lies
The truth is I just want you to read in between the lines
So that you could see that I still see you
I told you I painted a portrait of you in between the stars
And I still sit outside at night for hours just so that I could be closer to your face
I would still walk hours under the blanket of the night and blaze with the sun
Just to capture a minute in your eyes
Our goodbye was not the best
And now I’m bitter/sweet
Confused at the fact that I’m not letting you go
But rather I’m letting you know that
It will get easy
To know that I shared a love with you
That I gave you my time
That at some point your reflected my happiness

You were the reason for the stitches in my tummy because
You made me laugh
No-one expected us to be together for long
In-fact I think we both were too enthusiastic
But I rate it’s cause we knew what we shared
When we were behind closed doors
When our conversations high fived each other
When our jokes became our laugh out loud show
When you were soft, honest with yourself
I’m truly sorry I wasn’t the one for you
My truth is I want to be with someone who never doubts wanting to be with me
No-matter what happens
Even when the weather changes
They still see me through the mist
It’s that simple.

 by Andiswa Dlamini
© 2013


Previous by Andiswa

2013 May 3: I resent you

and

2013 Feb. 10: Parts

This entry was posted in Allies, Another Approach Is Possible, Archived memories, Art Solidarity, Arts, As we are, Before You, Collectivism, Community, Complicated Lesbian Relationships, Connections, Contributors, Crea(c)tive senses, Creating awareness, Creative Writing, Inner feelings, Interpretation, Lesbian Love Is Possible in South Africa, Our lives in the picture, Portrait, Power of the Voice, Professional black lesbians in South Africa, Readings, ReClaim Your Activism, Records and histories, Relationships, We Care, We Still Can with/out Resources and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to 2013 June 4: emotional confusion of a break-up

  1. bbom says:

    the site, very nice and meaningful, keep it up bbom bbom bbom bbom bbom

  2. Pingback: 2013 July 3: A planned murder – PG 18SNLV | inkanyiso.org

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  7. wow too deep weird how I relate to this poem well written I must say

  8. Pingback: 2016 April 24: “Only a few people really know my sadness | inkanyiso.org

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