A planned murder
PG 18SNLV

by Andiswa Dlamini

Tell me how can I celebrate my Pride?
How can I march?
How can I celebrate same sex marriages?
How can I love?
How can I be happy about liberal laws that support sexual diversity? 

You deserved it
You deserved to die
because I died 3 times when I got pinned to the ground
the first time I didn’t even get to see the light because
my life became a different shade of darkness

the second time, I wondered who muted the world because
the only sound I could hear was me screaming out and no-body heard
my cry and your groans
my cry and your groans
no moans
no-body heard
my pain, your pleasure
my pain, your pleasure
my nails didn’t dig into your skin as I sign to proceed

I was hoping they would turn into knives so that they could carve into your skin
So I could cut into your flesh and cut the arteries, watch the blood seep out
Watch you gasp for me to help you and no-body would hear
Your pain, my pleasure
Your pain, my pleasure
No-body would hear
Your cry and my breathing heavily
Because I just killed one
I did a great service to the world
Helped them get rid of a narrow minded prick
who thought he would get away with it for the third time
Well this time
I came prepared didn’t I?
No-longer your fucking victim and I will state that in the police statement
When they find me laying in your pool of your blood
because there’s no point in running now

I’ve already died
Hands behind my back, I’m handcuffed sitting in the back of the van
Hoping that you don’t pull a stunt and wake up
Because I’m tired of you being hard and me, forced to being open
I jump out of the van
I already know my surroundings because I’ve been here before
As a victim and these uniformed men laughed
Whispering to each other to listen to all three stories
They kept asking me what I was raped for
Well now, they can ask me what I killed him for
and I shall tell them
I shall tell them
That he killed me
The day he decided to rip my seams
Unzip my jeans and start off loading his masculinity on me
I’ll tell them that he killed me

When my cry became his beautiful melody
and my body his punching bag
When my blood seeped out it was his amazing reward
and he let me walk the streets
Got frustrated when he realised that I didn’t stand corrected
I carried on living the life that I knew filled me with love

So again he killed me
When decided to rip my seams
Unzip my jeans and start off loading his frustrations on me
and this time he didn’t stop
I even know the size of his fist when it locks
I know the weight of his body when it’s on top of me
I know the second he’s about to release words that will insult me
He commented on my mother this time
He said she should have raised me better
And I cried harder, much louder than before

I died slower
As he tortured me inside
I know where he sweats the most because
when I struggled to get myself out
My hands kept slipping, failing me
My hands failed me
And I failed to say no, because
I had that fucking painful lump in my throat
that wouldn’t allow me to speak instead I could only kick and scream

He left me unconscious
As I prayed for him to kill me
When I could finally speak I asked of him to kill me
Because surely this was not the life I was supposed to live
This could not be part of my life routine
I can’t breath
And then the next time he saw me
The third time is always a charm he said

So once again he killed me and I died this time
When he decided to rip my seams
Unzip my jeans and start off loading his shit on me
But this time
I came prepared forgot about my nails becoming knives because that could never be
So this time I came with my own weapon
I stabbed the side of neck while he was on top of me
I couldn’t cry because I had a plan
And I had to focus now
I cut off his dick and shoved it into his mouth
Tied his hands down and I watched him chock when he died

And I didn’t smile because I was still dead inside
I did not feel free knowing that someone like me is screaming to be heard
This was the only way that I could protect myself
But why didn’t you wait for the cops they asked
And I said
’cause I was silenced by your laughs
Tormented by your questions
And it took you too long the first time and the second time
So the third time I decided to take matters in my own hands
And save my own life
And now I’m sitting behind bars at peace
Even though my life has ended because I ended his
And that’s a relief (sigh)
Because he will never kill me again

© 07/2013

  Previous by Andiswa

2013 June 4: emotional confusion of a break-up

and

2013 May 16: Sex

and

2013 May 3: I resent you

and

2013 Feb. 10: Parts