by Clear Peaceful Mind
Rape!
For most women, it’s one of the scariest words in any language. When your mother warned, “You could have been murdered, or worse!” rape was and still is the unspoken “worse.”
All over the world, rape is the most common violent crime ever committed – by the time you finish reading this article, a woman would have been raped somewhere in our country, a neighbouring country and somewhere else on this planet. More than half of all rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. A quarter of which are committed by an intimate partner of the victim. Resulting in many unreported rape incidents. The sad thing is that the majority of rapists re-offend within a three year period resulting in an unending circle of rape.
Because many people define rape as penetration by a penis, woman-to-woman rape is not acknowledged nor taken seriously. But, it is estimated that one out of three lesbians have been sexually assaulted by another woman.
Like many women, I didn’t know that women could rape other women until….well, now I know!
•She stole my voice…
Who do I talk to, what do I say?
“She just fisted me, right there in the park. Like it was nothing. This was something that we did together when we were lovers, close and intimate and it meant something. She didn’t just hurt me, she also just trashed all of what we had together. I have barely had sex with anyone since that happened. I can’t really imagine how I will get past it.”
• They went out for drinks with friends. Her not being much of a drinker, the Carnival City ‘Long Island Iced Tea’ hit her hard and quick and she became overly merry much to her partner’s irritation. Sleepy and still drunk, she ignored her partner’s rage as they drove home, then she went to bed alone. She awoke to find her partner in bed with her, trying to have sex. “She kept kissing me and grabbing at me, and I kept pushing her away, which was making her angry again,” she said. “Pretty soon I was struggling to get away in earnest, telling her ‘no’ over and over again. She had me pinned to the mattress, tearing my clothes off. As she started to have sex with me against my will, I panicked, then I blacked out.”
“Who do I tell, what do I say?”
• There was an argument overnight, which overlapped into the morning.
Something had to do with my flirting with someone. The bedroom door was locked and the key hidden. After being shoved onto the bed in a manner which one might have just be seen as a rough foreplay between lovers. Everything “intimate” happened against my will, including but not limited to oral sex. I am older than her, stronger, more athletic, but the shock of it all left me powerless, numb….
Tears silently falling, as my mind could not comprehend what had just happened. I could not tell anyone, it was both embarrassing and humiliating. I felt broken and ashamed. I couldn’t go to work.., a plausible explanation was given for my absence.
… Just a tip of the many lesbian stories that happen behind closed doors, with strings attached, untold, leaving deep emotional scars, well covered in timid smiles and gentle touches – the hidden female on female sexual violation.
It wasn’t until I sat down today at work and listened to one of the nurses giving a presentation on domestic violence that I eventually acknowledged that I have been sexually assaulted… I have always known, but my mind refused to register it. It was neatly folded and packed somewhere at the back of my mind where it was hopefully most likely to be forgotten.
She stole my voice….
Who do I talk to and what do I say?
Lesbian sex is hard to explain on its own. How does one begin to explain lesbian sexual assault. This is a crime so unthinkable that its victims repeatedly encounter mockery and disbelief, both from the community and from law enforcement.
“A little lick, a finger or two or more couldn’t have been that bad, its not like there has been any penile penetration.”
Because of the prevalence of such responses, its perpetrators can strike again and again without fear of any repercussions. It is a crime that no one knows how to react to, because no one has any real image or understanding of what it is.
The only versions of lesbian rape that are well known are found in pornography, in which the “victim” invariably starts to enjoy the rape. With a social understanding based on that ludicrous information, it is no surprise that most police and prosecutors don’t take it seriously.
Besides, as lesbians we are constantly a centre of some religious or traditional attacks. Reporting a same sex assault will just aggravate the problem. Based on that, we end up not wanting our dirty laundry aired in the straight arena. We don’t want to give them more reasons to point fingers at us. So we pretend it’s alright, even when it isn’t.”
In almost all cases, all rape victims require medical care after the assault…
Doctor, “Are you sexually active?
Is there any chance that you’re pregnant?”
Patient, “Yes and No.”
Doctor, “Have you been sexually active recently?”
Patient, “Yes.”
Doctor, (condescending look) “Then how do you know you’re not pregnant?”
So, a lesbian dealing with medical personnel in the emergency room after an assault may likely have the added problem of deciding if and when to come out which may adversely affect one’s treatment.
No semen equals to no pregnancy and no hiv/sti overlooking that other infections might occur due to the forced fingering, fisting and unprotected oral sex. Thus overlooking the proper administration of antibiotics or prophylaxis.
Then there are Test kits! The only means of linking a victim/survivor to a suspect …
How many of those rape kits are designed to include checking the DNA of another woman? How many health care workers have been trained and are professional enough to handle same sex incidents without any prejudice nor apathy.
Rape is rape and it is traumatic to all its victims, more so when it happens between same sex individuals where prejudice, ridicule and discrimination is still to be endured….
As I sat there, listening to Domestic Violence presentations, feeling naked, tears weighing heavy on my heart with no one to talk to.
Sexual violation with strings attached to it, is but a bitter pill to swallow – being assaulted by the person you have loved, the person you trusted…
I acknowledged that she stole my voice…
I survived the silence!
If when reading this article the ghosts from your past awakens, find your voice and exorcise them. We cannot change our past but we cannot allow it to rule our present.
_____________________________________
# The medical staff at our institution are slowly beginning to acknowledge the medical needs of the LGBTI community especially Lesbians where Medico-Legal cases are concerned.
The journey ahead is long, but one small voice does educate the masses!
Previous by Clear Peaceful Mind
and
2013 May 12: Happy Mother’s Day is NOT for everyone
and
2013 April 13: Reasons why we as lesbians (not all lesbians) shun +HIV people…
inkanyiso.org 
2013 June 5: Don’t Dominate Me…
by Boitumelo “Mimie” Sepotokele
Jade & I were sitting and chatting about a day we had and discussed this couple we were hanging with that night, and what we saw did not sit well with us, we both could not understand why should there be a dominating and a submissive partner in a lesbian relationship.
I mean we both women who identify as Lesbian and automatically we should be Feminists Right?
We should know better than to treat each other in a patriarchal manner right?
So I decided to do some research about dominance within the Lesbian community
I was asking myself many questions like : why should we label our selves as Butch, Femme, Tom etc…
Do these labels condone a submissive and dominance kind of relationship?Is the dominance/submissive relationship condoned by Age?
Dress code?
Personality?
Or financial status?
Or is it because Most femme Lesbians treat their butch partners as “Men”?
They forget that they too are Women?
Or Maybe its because Most butch looking lesbians are actually Transgender?
So I posted this status on facebook and other groups I chat with:
Morning family, I have a burning issue lana about dominance….what’s your take on it?
I personally have a problem with it, I feel lesbians have taken the heterosexual norm about dominance. If one does not feel the need to dominate you, they feel you should dominate, Can’t we just have a relationship and be equals?
We are two women who love each other right?
So why do we want to take the heterosexual Norms and make them ours?
I for one identify as Lesbian because I am a Woman who loves other Women and Note neh “WOMEN” not “MEN” and I won’t treat anyone or be treated like a “MEN”… I simply want a relationship where am treated with love, appreciation and be taken into consideration that I am as much of a human as them…
What’s your take on this Issue @ hand?
I think that’s where we get it wrong and that’s why our relationships don’t last as lesbians. We adopt things that are not for us and will never be….
It has came to my understanding that dominance is a touchy subject within the lesbian community, with many factors.
On my research I came across Femme lesbians who don’t mind being dominated, who believe that the butch should take care of them financially and in turn they would do anything and everything for their partners, other even call their partners by handsome, husby etc
I have came across those like me who are allergic to dominance, who actually believe in 50/50 kind of relationship. Finance wise and even sexually, the kind of femmes who would like to be treated equally, who like their women as woman as can be no matter their dress code, those who would treat a hard headed butch as a woman they are.
And even came across femme lesbians who are in fact dominant them selves, the kind that will make sure that their partner is well taken care of even if the partner is not working. They would make sure that things run smoothly in the house hold and expect their partners to do their womanly duties, either butch or not and even go as extreme as controlling who their partner befriends and so on.
Even in femme on femme /butch on butch relationships, one is expected to be dominant and the other be submissive because one might appear Tomish/Femmish or has a strong character.
To me dominance is a form of power to belittle the other, as most would go to an extreme of expecting their partners to wash, cook and clean for them. And it can also turn out abusive in an emotional manner as the dominant one would think they have every right to control the submissive, the abusive behavior might go as far as sexual abuse.
This dominance thing is so extreme that if we have a Butch /Tom Lesbian and a femme lesbian Sleeping around, the butch/tom is regarded or seen as a hero or a charmer or as they would say it in my Kasi “Isikhokho”. But if she is Femme she is called Names like Isifebe “Bitch” and would be belittled even by other femmes.
I don’t know if all this is promoted by the labeling within our community or is it by us trying to look as normal as possible in the eyes of the heterosexual community?
According to me, we have to treat each other equally. I don’t get why should we adopt heterosexual Norms. It’s either you are a feminist or you are patriarchal, and it is impossible for one to be Lesbian and patriarchal.
About Mimie
Mimie is a feminist; activist and a lesbian mother.
She has volunteered for many LGBT organisations including the Forum for the Empowerment of Women (FEW).